AD- Life Lessons

Life Lessons

I looked up and he was starting at me; glaring even. So, like every person does when someone is staring at them, I smiled. He turned his face in disgust and looked away. Okay, kid. Just stare at me, that’s not awkward at all, I thought to myself. The first few times, I didn’t think anything of it. I thought maybe it was my natural hair that threw him off. Or maybe at that moment, I was doing something weird. Perhaps it could’ve been the hideous blouse I was wearing. But it wasn’t my just my hair, or my ugly shirt, and I definitely wasn’t doing anything weird at the time. A few days passed, and I realized it was me. The very essence of my being disgusted him.

This wasn’t my first rodeo, I’ve dealt with this all my life. I knew what to do: get to know him, and then he’ll know me as a person; as an equal. I’ll talk to him today, I thought to myself as I made my way down the hall into the classroom. I pondered on what I would say throughout first and second period. I was nervous. Why am I nervous? He’s just a kid. Get it together Anna. What do I say? Well I could start off with Hi. No, that’s too lame. How are you? No, too formal. Relax, just say hi and it’ll be fine. I was standing at the door as the third period students began to walk in.

“Hi Amy.”

“Hi Anne,” she said.

“Hi Tommy.”

“Hi Anne.”

 Here he comes. Just say hi.

“Hi Jason!”

Nothing. He didn’t even look at me. He walked into the classroom and went straight to his seat. The next few weeks were the hardest. I had taken full control at this point. I was prepared. I knew the content, I knew how to manage the classroom, I knew how to incorporate standards and objectives into my lessons. I couldn’t have been more prepared to teach. But nothing prepared me for how emotionally unsafe I would feel having to teach this student.

*

I had never doubted myself as an educator before; not while teaching. As the days went by, I found myself avoiding him. He never raised his hand, I never asked him questions. He came to class, did his work, and went about his way. I didn’t interact with him. I felt it would be more beneficial for the atmosphere of the classroom if I simply left him alone, so I stopped trying. This didn’t make me feel any better though. I felt as if I had failed. My duty to him was to educate. But I didn’t feel comfortable doing that and began to question myself; not just as a teacher, but as a person. I knew what I was getting into before I got here. I did my research, so this wasn’t a surprise to me. I knew there would be people who would feel this way towards me, but for some naïve reason, I never imagined it would be a student.

I decided it was time to articulate my feelings to my Collaborating Teacher.

“So, I don’t think Jason likes me.”

She looked at me and asked, “Why do you think that?”

“It’s just the way he looks at me. I can sense that he really doesn’t like me.”

That time, she understood what I was saying. She looked at me, disappointed. Not in me or even in Jason, but the fact that I had realized this so soon. I continued, “I always catch him staring at me, but then he looks away. When I talk to him, he never looks me in the eyes. He’s either looking away, or down, or just ignores me altogether.” She was fully turned to me at this point. She told me about her experiences with him, and how he’s challenged her because she’s a woman. She then told me about his parents. This wasn’t to gossip, but so that I had context. There wasn’t anything I could do to change the way he felt towards me. She knew that, and I now knew that. There was a question I felt obligated to ask but didn’t know how. Reluctantly, I asked her, “Will his parents come to the school demanding I don’t teach him?”

“No. Not at all,” she said quickly.

“Okay, because I just wanted to make sure so that I know what I’m dealing with.”

“No. You’re okay. It’s important that you’re here because you are opening up these kids’

minds.”

 But that’s not what I came here for, I thought to myself. I came to learn and become a better educator. I didn’t come to make a difference. To enhance their perspectives on the real world. The conversation didn’t end there. I guess she realized how concerned I was, because a few days later, she came up to me saying, “So I spoke with Rebecca about Jason. Just so you know, if there is ever an issue the school stands behind you. So, don’t worry, we got your back.”

That’s what I needed. I needed to know that I was okay to freely be the part of me I could not change. I needed to know that I would be supported by the administration. I needed the confirmation that my being here wasn’t unwanted by all. I never once thought that I would succumb to the feeling of being less than by a student. But at the moment, I regained my right to empowerment. Coming to teach abroad, I had never intended to represent something to the students. But being here, I’m realizing that no matter where I go, I will always be more than just a teacher, and I believe that is profoundly important, because representation matters.

My relationship with Jason is better than it was before. He speaks to me now when he comes in and leaves the classroom. But there are still days where I find him starting at me. I don’t know what he’s thinking. But I do know I should never allow one’s misconstrued perception of me negatively impact my ability to teach all of my students. I don’t fully know how to deal with situations like these; especially in this particular profession. I know that no matter what, I can never react. But how do I prepare myself, because it is inevitable these days will come. This is the one thing I haven’t learned and perhaps, it is something I will have to teach myself.