Left Behind

When I was about seven years old, my family was eating dinner at Red Lobster. When we were done, my mom, sister and I went to the restroom. We had driven separately for some reason so after dinner my brother went with my dad and my sister went with my mom. Yep. I was left behind. Somehow there was a mix-up, and each of my parents thought I went with the other. I came out of the bathroom back to the table, only to find my whole family gone. I looked around and saw no one. Being scared, young, and unsure of what to do, I went back to the bathroom and locked myself in the stall. I remember wishing for my favorite stuffed cat at the time, Stripes, to hold for comfort. Eventually my parents figured out what happened and came back for me. Now the running joke in my family is not to leave me behind when we’re at Red Lobster.

So, I know I’m “behind,” but I’ll get there eventually. Lately, this week and the past week I’ve been feeling pretty down about the job search and everything. I know I shouldn’t worry so much and be happy that we’re close to being done, but it is still hard. I still have the fear of being behind and I guess I’m still doing that! (Although for the most part, I really am on time!) I think it happens to all of us occasionally. For me, I’ve sort of felt this my whole life. I’m the youngest of three–the last to learn how to ride a bike, the last to learn how to drive, and the last to graduate from college. I’ve always wanted to catch up, but I realize now I can only go at my own pace. I’m a slow test taker and it takes me time to gather my thoughts, but in a way I think this is one of my skills as a teacher. I think through things and do my work thoroughly. I may not get a teaching job until later in the summer, but I’ve accepted that.

I definitely have a fear of my students being left behind. I want them to do well–to succeed–but I know that no matter how hard I try–some will get left behind. I will try my hardest, though. I will never give up on them because I care about their education and their future. Maybe I can even relate to them by sharing my own experience of being a slow worker. Everyone works at a different pace. After all, they say life is a marathon not a sprint, right?

I can honestly say that at the beginning of the semester I didn’t realize just how much I would need this blog. It has been a nice outlet to talk about both the good and not so good teaching experiences. So here’s a toast to a semester full of experiences and hopefully a future with plenty more!

I did NOT sign up for this.

Well, every week I think about what I will write about for the next post. I wait until right before the deadline because I think maybe something interesting will happen on those days before. Something interesting did happen yesterday, but in this case–I wish I didn’t have to write about it. The pain in my butt wishes I didn’t have to write about it. I would say the pain in my heart wishes it too.

It was the end of the school day and my 4th block was in the media center working on their persuasive speeches. I left a little bit early to head back to my classroom to get my stuff and leave for class. I was almost back to the classroom when I saw a few students lingering in the hallway. One of them I recognized as my CT’s former and favored student who came to visit her frequently and that I’ve talked to before. He was messing around with another girl and as I was walking he turned from her and ran. Ran straight into me! (Because he wasn’t paying attention). Ouch. I fell to the floor and my clipboard and water bottle flew out of my hand, my water spilling everywhere. I’m sure it was quite a show. Thank goodness I only fell hard on my butt and didn’t hit my head.

As I finally pulled myself together, I slowly got up and looked around. The girl helped me with my stuff and another guy stood by the bathroom at the scene of the crime. 

I looked around.

“Where did he go?!” I said angrily.

She said, “That was Alex.* He’s gonna get written up! I’ll tell my teacher.”

“I know him,” I replied. “He visits Ms. A all the time. I can’t believe he ran off and didn’t apologize!!! That f***ing hurt!”

I winced at the pain in my side then apologized for cursing. The guy smiled at that and I couldn’t help smiling back. Why am I saying sorry for that?! I internally laughed at myself for a second before becoming furious again. I hobbled over towards the stairs where these girls were sitting and doing work.

“Where did he go?!” I demanded.

They pointed over and I saw him look at me from the other side of the building and run off. I sighed.  I don’t have time for this! I have to get to class! (I ended up not going to class).

Shaking, I went into the classroom and got my stuff together. I called my CT and told her what happened. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and tears streamed down my face. The physical pain may have contributed to this, but it was also my heart hurting. I talked to this student before. He is friendly and funny. He is one of my CT’s favorite students! How could he run off like that? I figured he must have been scared and I was right because today he came and apologized to me, saying he was really afraid of getting written up. I thanked him for apologizing and told him I didn’t want him to get written up, but it surprised me that he ran off like that. I told him to stop messing around in the halls when he should be in class.

This whole situation made me so angry right after it happened, but now I just want to let it go and move on. We have a lot going on…edTPA is due soon so I have enough to worry about. Accidents happen. People make mistakes. We’re only human. I just have to pick myself up again and hope I don’t get knocked down again (literally) by an immature high school student running through the hall. Sigh. I did not sign up for this.

Comfortably Numb

This morning when I woke up (and got myself out of bed reluctantly) the song “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd was stuck in my head. I knew I had listened to Pink Floyd recently but couldn’t recall if it was that particular song. Maybe that’s why it was stuck in my head. It seemed to fit the mood and weather of the morning as I dragged myself through my morning routine. On the way to school I listened to it while driving in the pouring rain. At each red-light, I tried not to get too sleepy as I watched the rain droplets on my windshield be repetitively swept away by my wipers. It’s an interesting song because the beginning sounds dark, but then throughout it the melody repeats itself: “I have become comfortably numb.” I wouldn’t say that it’s a happy or sad song, but a song that accepts its fate.

I think I have become comfortably numb in my student teaching and now it is winding down and the walls are closing in. We have edTPA, we have applications, we have job fairs, etc. All I can do is keep reassuring myself that I’m going to get through it. The past two days have felt really long because I have been going in earlier so that I can be with first period. And it’s the week back after a week-long break! I would say it feels worth it once I get to see my students in first period. I only went to fourth period the week before the break, so when I returned to first period, my students said, “You’re back!”

There is one student in particular that I think was glad to have me back and that is Camden.* Although my CT and I can get tired of Camden talking to us all the time, he truly is a very nice student and I can tell Camden just wants someone to listen to him. He always tells me to have a good day at the end of class and his need to tell me every historical fact he knows is somewhat entertaining to me. I just nod and say, “That’s interesting…” Camden also likes to write little notes on his papers and bring them over to me to read. They’re usually facts about wars and stuff.

In addition to this student, I realize I don’t mind losing sleep to come to first period when I help my students with something they don’t understand. I think to myself, What if I wasn’t here to help them with that while my CT was doing something else? They need me.  

After first period, we have homeroom on Wednesdays. One of the students in my CT’s homeroom stayed during second period and was working on the computer. Second is our planning period. I was wondering what this student was doing when she told me that she was trying to write an essay and my CT was going to help her, but my CT had left the room to take care of other things.

“What kind of essay are you writing?” I asked.

“It’s for a college application,” she replied.

I said, “Well I can try to help you with that!”

So I helped her by proofreading her writing and giving her suggestions while my CT was busy. In the end, I felt like her final product turned out well and I was happy I could help her. My CT came back later and thanked me for helping the student while she was busy. Even though she wasn’t even one of my students, I jumped at the opportunity to help her. So I think now, What if I wasn’t there to help this girl? She needed me.

I hate to admit that I have become comfortably numb with my student teaching. Yes, the days are long and repetitive, but that is how school is supposed to be. I know that once I am teaching on my own and I get adjusted, I will be probably be relieved to be comfortably numb. Routines are a part of life. It’s just “another brick in the wall.”

Students Like Sex and Death

Fuseli, Henry. The Nightmare. 1781. Oil on Canvas. Detroit Institute of Arts, Detroit.

So we’ve read Act I of The Crucible.

 

And…Lights, Camera, ACTION!

 

“Wait so Abigail was only 13 in real life?”

“Yep! And the affair with John Proctor did not really happen.”

“So where did that come from?”

“Arthur Miller…You know he’s got to make it more interesting. Everyone loves sex and death!”

 

And…Lights, Camera, ACTION!

 

I am the narrator/stage director while we are reading The Crucible.

Me: “Mercy Lewis, both afraid of him and strangely titillated…”

My CT: Do you guys know what titillated means?

I laugh. She writes “horny” on the board.

The students laugh.

My CT: So she’s basically afraid of him and turned on at the same time.

At this point, I’m glad my CT is explaining this particular part!

 

And…Lights, Camera, ACTION!

(Students reading a sultry scene between John Proctor and Abigail)

Proctor: Abby, you’ll put it out of mind. I’ll not be comin for you more.

….

Abigail: I know how you clutched my back behind your house and sweated like a stallion whenever I come near!

*Cue whooping and hollering from my most outspoken student. He’s a hoot.

The class erupts in laughter. I’m doubled over laughing and my CT is laughing.

I say, “Ok, Ok…” as I try to get the class to come back together.

Then to the student playing Abigail, I say, “Do you think you can get through the rest of that, Abigail? Uhh…you don’t need to read that line again…”

She reads it again.

 

And…Lights, Camera, ACTION!

 

On page 39 of Act I of The Crucible, we continue to pique student interest by explaining a line from Reverend Hale where he states: “Here are all your familiar spirits–your incubi and succubi…” (Miller).

My CT asks students: Has anyone heard of incubi and succubi?

I go to write them on the board.

My CT: Basically, they are spirits that come at night and have sex with people who are sleeping. One is a female coming to a male and vice-versa. Do you remember which was which? She asks me. (We had looked them up online in first period).

Me: Oh, yeah the incubi was a male coming to a female and the succubi is a female going to a male.

My CT brought up an oil painting on the projector screen to help students visualize the spirits that come to people at night. It is a really creepy painting by Henry Fuseli. (Pictured above).

 

And…Lights, Camera, ACTION!

 

It is day two of watching the movie. It’s nice to see how much students are getting into it. My students seem to have comments throughout about everything, especially when it comes to snitching. We are at the part where Mary Warren is taken to court by John Proctor to confess that the other girls were lying.

One girl says loudly, “She’s a snitch!”

It is then revealed to Judge Danforth that Mr. Parris saw the girls dancing naked in the forest, and of course my most outspoken student states: “There be witches, snitches, butt-naked women, and other s***!”

I literally couldn’t stop laughing for a whole minute.

 

And…Lights, Camera, ACTION!

 

On the first day of reading The Crucible, I was walking around the class while students were working on the study questions for Act I. One of my students, Abraham, is a very quiet student who I wrote about for my Teaching Inquiry. From the beginning of the year, he didn’t see the point of English class and seemed uninterested. As I stood behind him and looked over his shoulder I realized he was way ahead of where we were at as a class. We were only at about page 12 and he was on page 40! I couldn’t believe it.

By the end of the week, we had finished Act I and Abraham had finished the whole.darn.thing. I walked over to him as he was reading the last few pages.

Me: “You finished it?! So you really liked it?”

Abraham nodded and smiled. “Yeah.”

Maybe it was the sex in it. Maybe it was the death. Maybe it was just good literature.

 

Miller, Arthur. The Crucible. Penguin Books, 1953.